How to Be Happy with Josiah Hartley
- Aug 18
- 10 min read
Trigger Warning: This article deals with issues surrounding clinical depression and suicide
We sat down with the awe-inspiring Josiah (Josh) Hartley, and his mum Amanda Prowse, ahead of their event ‘How To Be Happy’ here at The Armstrong in September (Global Suicide Prevention Month).
The event is an open, moving but also hopeful and uplifting conversation between mother and son. The aim is to better understand male mental health by exploring their personal journeys when Josh tried to take his own life at university.
"Josh leads a great life with depression. Josh leads, dare I say, a mainly happy life with depression. It’s a very complicated illness but with very simple solutions for surviving, and that’s the great news!"
Firstly, thank you both so much for your time today, and for coming to talk about a subject that is as necessary as it is difficult. Josh, could you briefly introduce yourself?
My name is Josh Hartley, I’m 29 and I live in the West Country. I wrote a book (The Boy Between) a few years ago about my journey with poor mental health and what it is like to be a young man at university when everything falls apart and collapses under your feet.
And Amanda?
I’m Amanda Prowse, I don’t know how old I am – I’m about 60 or something like that (I stopped counting at 38). I am Josh’s mum and we jointly wrote the book because it was the resource that we wanted to reach for when we were in our darkest moments.
Josh, can you give a little bit of a background to the experience you faced, which is the inspiration behind the book?
I was roughly 16 when my mental health started failing. I was rubbish at almost everything at school, apart from science – it was the one subject that I could do without much revision. I just understood it and I excelled at it. But I started becoming lethargic, started missing school. And I thought, “it’s fine. It’s just a phase.” I then didn’t get the grades that were expected at A level but went off to university to study Biology – everyone was excited. I could finally focus on the one subject that I enjoyed. I thought things would get better, but they got worse. A lot worse.
I started drinking every single day and then thoughts of taking my own life started. It started as a crutch, “I won’t take the bins out, because I can always just take my own life.” That kind of internal thinking became normalised quite quickly. Looking back, that’s obviously not normal and you shouldn’t trivialise taking your own life in a way that’s as simple as taking the bins out. I know that now.
It is refreshing to hear you speak so openly about your mental health. How do you find people respond to this openness? Is there still a taboo around mental health? Or are we getting better at it, as a society?
I feel there are absolute generational differences. I’ve had it said to me, “oh I don’t know anyone that that has happened to”, but they do, they just haven’t talked about it or they’re not aware of it. Generationally the movement is for things to get better, but even in the last couple of years I’ve seen a very nasty trend of the ‘manosphere’. It’s deeply scary and problematic. This idea that you can pull yourself up from your bootstraps and make your vision of success a reality with a little hard work is ridiculous. You need a network of support around you and just opening that dialogue will only help you. It’s ridiculous that we’re even in the position now that that dialogue isn’t more open.
This affected you during quite a transformational part of your teenage years – do you feel you got the support from your peers, or did you feel quite isolated at the time?
I covered it up in lots of ways, “Josh likes to drink, he likes to go to parties”, when it went far beyond that. People don’t go to parties 7 days a week. Drinking was the closest thing that I had to a routine. No one wakes up with depression – it’s a subtle transition. It can be something quite small – you go from showering 7 days a week, to 6 days a week and so on – it can really add up. This is partly why education is so important to help you notice when things are shifting, because for me, I was deeply depressed before I realised what was going on. Whereas if I’d been more attuned to mental health, I could’ve caught it earlier.
And Amanda, as a parent, how did you feel when this all happened?
I had no clue. I didn’t know what was happening. I didn’t know how to handle it. And it was utterly petrifying. There’s no greater pain than seeing your child suffer in any capacity. I’m Josh’s mum, I’ve always fixed everything, whether he’s grazed his knee, needs his bath running or his school uniform ironing. I’m the mum, I fix things – first and foremost that is my job, for both of my boys. And suddenly we were faced with this incredible crisis. This wall of concrete. And absolutely no clue how to get over it.
To my shame, I didn’t understand depression. For me, my education started the moment that I realise we were in crisis which is probably the worst and most difficult time because you’re constantly catching up, firefighting. And my education is still ongoing. I made so many mistakes, and I continue to make mistakes.
We, as a family were completely unprepared. And even worse than that, I was so close to my kids – I was that smug mum that you met in the supermarket that would tell you “I know their friends. We go on holiday together. They call me to say they’ve arrived. We meet their partners. Everything is great!” Until it suddenly wasn’t, and I still think “what did we miss?”
Josh, how did you even begin to have that conversation with your family?
J: My family approached me because it was at the point that it was so obvious things weren’t right.
A: Josh wasn’t sleeping, he wasn’t showering. He wouldn’t eat with us, look at us, talk to us. He was literally leading a horizontal life. Josh came very close to taking his life and the only reason that he’s still here is luck. But it is a luck that we will be very thankful for, for the rest of our lives.
"And I thought that was the lowest point, but it wasn’t. What came next is that he still had further to fall because his route out of his pain was denied him, and will forever be denied him."
Therefore, the conversation became, “how do we cope?”, “what do we do?”. So, I emailed Josh, and it sounds farcical, but I didn’t know how to start the conversation, I had no equipment, no tools. The email said, “I don’t know how to help you, I don’t know what to do, but something has to change. You cannot spend the rest of your life under a duvet, in the dark, alone.” And he sent an email reply, “come into my room. Open a window. Turn my pillow over. Bring me a glass of water. And maybe just sit with me”. And I said “what, like you’re ill?” and he said, “I am ill, mum”. That was the first time that I understood that we needed to treat it the way you would any other illness. Make him comfortable, safe and warm, and give him time and space to heal and find a strategy.
It’s a very complicated illness but with very simple solutions for surviving and that’s the great news! Josh leads a great life with depression. Josh leads, dare I say, a mainly happy life with depression. That is the point of this event. To tell people that you can lead a good life, there are strategies that you can put in place right now, today. That don’t cost money, simple things that will help you all: as an individual, as a family, as someone who cares for a loved one with depression, or has concerns about people they live with, work with or whom they love.
And would you say this was the same motivation for writing the book?
J: I felt incredibly alone and I felt that no one had suffered in quite the same way that I had suffered. Of course that wasn’t true – I wish it was! It’s so prevalent, amongst all demographics and I just wanted to be open and honest, and put it down on paper, so that people had a resource to reach for and feel less alone. If one person can read it and feel less alone then it has been worthwhile.
A: I’ve been talking to a lady just this week who lives abroad. Her and her son are going through this. She said we’re reading it together and we’re spending each night going through what we’ve read. And that’s very common, we have those messages daily, from all over the world because it is such a huge problem and there is still such a veil over it.
How did you find writing the book together?
J: The hardest part was spending 8 hours a day with my mum! It was quite raw, quite fresh when it happened. Lots of people say that time is a great healer, and it is in someways, but this allowed my memories to re-settle. To go back and analyse how I felt during that time was incredibly cathartic and helpful.
A: We had never had such open and honest conversations. I’d say 80% of what I learnt during writing the book was new to me. And so every day was like revealing a new layer of hurt. We decided that if we were going to write it, in the same way that if we’re going to do these events, it needs to be completely honest otherwise, there’s no point.
We asked all those difficult questions of each other, and it was an incredible opportunity to really get into Josh’s mindset. Not only to understand where he had been but also to understand where we needed to go.
J: I think when most people hear the word depression they think of sadness, but it’s so much more than that, it’s so much worse than that. It’s the numbness, not being able to feel anything. There’d be days where I’d be grateful to feel sadness because I was just so numb – the very colours of the world had been turned down. It’s like I was living at the back of my skull, looking through a tube – like watching my existence through someone else’s eyes.
So, let’s talk about the event in September. What should we expect?
A: It’s Josh and I in conversation – asking each other questions and giving full and frank answers with some reading from the book. We will talk generally about our story and how we got here and then follow with a big chunk of Q&A – because that’s what this is all about.
J: I will answer any questions as openly and as honestly as I can. And I always learn something new. I feel very grateful to be able to speak to people directly and answer their questions.
I’ve had people cry when they come up to me and I wish I could help more. There is no magic bullet. I think ultimately it does have to come from within. If you’re not ill, then having a bath and going for a walk sounds incredibly easy. But when you are suffering, that can be your Mount Everest. It’s different for everyone and I would like people to realise that. No one wakes up with depression, and no one snaps out of it overnight. It’s slow and steady – it’s having m
ore good experiences that bad ones and suddenly looking back and realising “I’ve had a great 6 months”.
A: I think the great thing is that we have strategies that we want to tell other people about. So, bring your sons, bring your husbands, bring your partners, your brothers, your friends, your colleagues, bring the men, the boys. Bring anyone who cares for anyone in this way because it’s very important to have these hardest of conversations. It isn’t an evening of gloom and doom and sadness. It’s light-hearted in places, it will be moving, beneficial, ongoing and hopeful.
Josh, what advice, encouragement or support would you give to someone struggling?
Just wait. Hold on. Because we all feel differently in 10 minutes. We’ve all been angry and gone for a walk and felt better. It might be the hardest thing in the world but take it minute by minute, and when you’re slightly better, hour by hour and then day by day, week by week, month by month, and please stay on the planet. You must give yourself the opportunity to feel better because you just never know what tomorrow brings.
Amanda, what advice, encouragement or support would you give to someone caring for a loved one struggling?
A: Listen more. You will be amazed the difference that can be made by giving someone the space and just listening. And don’t do what I did – jump to fixing mode and looking for solutions. Giving someone your time can make all the difference in the world.
J: Also, no one has ever felt worse in clean sheets!
A: Josh always says things can and often do get better and the world is a better place with you in it – we have even put that on tote bags!
And you’re taking this event on tour?
A: Yes, you are kicking it off – of course, our hometown, Thornbury. Then we are heading to Cardiff, Glasgow, London, The Wirral, The Midlands and Hampshire between September to December this year.
And finally, Josh, what’s next for you?
J: I’m halfway through a book of fiction as we talk! I’m proud of what I’ve written so far – it’s quite a unique concept. And in the future, I’m keen to write some science fiction.
A: Also in January, Josh is launching a self-help Youtube channel – Josh Hartley: How to Be Happy. So wherever you are in the world, it is there as a resource. And this tour is the launch for that, so we would love everyone’s feedback and soundbites – please do send them along!
Come and see Josh and Amanda at their event, ‘How to Be Happy’, here at The Armstrong on Friday 11th September – tickets are on sale here.
Josh and Amanda would like this event to be accessible to as many people as possible – if the ticket cost is a barrier to you or your loved one, please email hello@thearmstrong.co.uk confidentially and we will organise tickets for you.
You can also find more information and purchase The Boy Between here.
If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this blog, support is available. Please find resources below and know that you can always, in any circumstance, speak confidentially to your GP.
· Calm
